Proszę o sprawdzenie

10.02.2009

18:23

[1]

polak111 [ LOXXII ]

Proszę o sprawdzenie

Mógłby ktoś sprawdzić to "opowiadanie"? Tu jest o ponad 40 słów za dużo, jednak trudno jest mi to zredukować do 250 słów. Mógłby ktoś wskazać co jest zbędne?

It was foggy night. Cloud of fog was whirled around the house which stayed in quiet outskirts of a town and near a forest. Neighbourhood may have looked dangerously and little fearfully.
Paul was sitting in his room and was doing his homework. He also peeked on TV. He was relaxed because anybody wasn’t in the home. His parents went to friends and his sister went to the cinema. He could do homework and watching TV at the same time. Paul bagan to be bored. Teen approached to window. He was watching area around the house which was foggy. In the one moment, he saw unknown person who wandered in neighbourhood. Paul was very interesting of this person and little upset. This person come in Paul’s garden. Boy saw that the person wore leather, brown jacket. She can’t have seen the face. Paul felt consternation. However, he was almost adult and felt responsible so he went out. Boy felt shivers. Man’s face was dark brown. He saw that the man is Black. He whispered ‘Boy, help me. I’m cold and so hungry’. I’ve been eating nothing for five days.’ Paul said ‘You look terrible. Follow me.’ The man look really bad. Boy gave him something to eat. Later, they talked. Black man said that he’s John Richardson. He went to Poland from USA one week ago. He was lucky that he get to destination. However, racists assault him. They stolen everything. He was very excited. John said that he’s Paul’s cousine. In this moment boy’s parents came back. They saw John and go to him. They clasped him. Paul was disoriented. Later, cousin told his history. John’ve been in Paul’s home for 5 days. After, all went to USA.

10.02.2009

18:26

[2]

Slasher11 [ Scharfschütze ]

Za dużo tekstu, nie chce mi się:D
Ale już w pierwszym zdaniu masz błąd
It was a foggy night.

10.02.2009

19:17

[6]

Chudy The Barbarian [ Senator ]

Dosyć dużo błędów. Zmieniłem większość rzeczy, ale sens pozostał ten sam i jest poprawniej na pewno ;)

It was a foggy night. A cloud of fog whirled around the house which stood in the quiet outskirts of a town near to a forest. Neighbourhood looked dangerous and little fearfully.
Paul was sitting in his room doing his homework. He also peeked on TV. He was relaxed because anybody wasn’t at home. His parents went to their friends and his sister went to the cinema. He could do homework and watching TV at the same time. Paul began to get bored. He approached the window. He was watching the foggy area around the house. In one moment, he saw an unknown person who wandered in neighbourhood. Paul was very interesed of this person and a little upset. The stranger came into Paul’s garden. Boy saw that the person was wearing a leather brown jacket. He couldn't have seen the face. Paul felt consternation. However, he was almost an adult and felt responsible so he went out. He started to feel shivers. The man’s face was dark brown. He saw that the man is Black. The stranger whispered ‘Boy, help me. I’m cold and so hungry’. I haven't ate anything for five days.’ Paul said ‘You look terrible. Follow me.’ The man looked really bad. The boy gave him something to eat. Later they talked. Black man said that his name is John Richardson. He went to Poland from the USA one week ago. He was lucky that he get to the destination. However, racists assaulted him. They've stolen everything. He was very excited. John said that he’s Paul’s cousin. In this moment boy’s parents came back. They saw John and got to him. They clasped him. Paul was disoriented. Later, cousin told his history. John has been in Paul’s home for 5 days. After all, he went back to the USA.

10.02.2009

19:40

[9]

Slasher11 [ Scharfschütze ]

It was a foggy night. A cloud of fog whirled around the house which stood in quiet outskirts near a forest. Neighbourhood was looking dangerous and a little bit creepy.
Paul was sitting in his room doing his homework. He was also peeking on TV. He was relaxed because nobody else was at home. His parents went to their friends and his sister went to the cinema. He could do homework and watch TV at the same time. Paul began getting bored. He approached the window. He was watching the foggy area around the house. In one moment, he saw an unknown person who was wandering in the neighbourhood. Paul was very interested in this person and a little bit upset(?). The stranger came into Paul’s garden. Boy saw that the person was wearing a brown leather jacket. He couldn't see his face. Paul felt consternation. He was almost an adult and felt responsible so he went out. He started to feel shivers. The man’s face was dark brown. He saw that the man is Black. The stranger whispered ‘Boy, help me. I’m cold and starving’. I haven't eaten anything for five days.’ Paul said ‘You look terrible. Follow me.’ The man was looking really bad. The boy gave him something to eat. Later they talked. Black man said that his name is John Richardson. He arrived to Poland from the USA one week ago. He was lucky that he reached the destination. However, racists attacked him. They stole everything. He was very excited(?). John said that he’s Paul’s cousin. In this moment boy’s parents came back. They saw John and got to him. They clasped him (napisz po polsku o co chodzi:)). Paul was confused. Later, cousin told his story. John has been in Paul’s home for 5 days. After all, he went back to the USA.

Poprawiałem wersję Chudego.
Dwa znaki zapytania oznaczają, że nie wiem jakie uczucie chciałeś wyrazić. Napisz po polsku. Podobnie jedno z ostatnich zdań (zaznaczyłem)

10.02.2009

20:05

[10]

kiesia [ Pretorianin ]

To był mglisty dzień. Chmura mgły whirled wokół domu, który stanął w spokojnej obrzeżach w pobliżu lasu. Sąsiedztwa szukałam niebezpieczne i trochę creepy.
Paweł siedział w swoim pokoju robi swoje domowe. Był także peeking w telewizji. Był zrelaksowany, ponieważ nikt inny nie był w domu. Jego rodzice poszli do swoich przyjaciół i jego siostra do kina. Mógł robić domowe i oglądać telewizję w tym samym czasie. Paul zaczął coraz bored. On zbliżył się do okna. Był oglądanie mglisty obszar wokół domu. W jednym momencie, ujrzał nieznanej osoby wędrując w okolicy. Paweł był bardzo zainteresowany tą osobą a trochę zdenerwowany (?). Obcy przybyli do Pawła ogrodu. Chłopiec zobaczył, że dana osoba była ubrana w brązową skórzaną kurtkę. On nie mógł zobaczyć jego twarz. Paul czuł konsternację. Był prawie dorosły i czuł odpowiedzialny więc wyszedł. Zaczął odczuwać dreszcze. Człowiek w obliczu był ciemnobrązowy. Widział, że człowiek jest czarny. Obcy szeptane "Boy, pomóż mi. Jestem zimna i głodu ". I nie zjadłeś coś do pięciu dni. "Paweł powiedział" Wyglądasz okropnie. Pójdź za Mną ". Człowiek szukałam naprawdę złe. Chłopiec dał mu coś do jedzenia. Później mówił. Czarny mężczyzna powiedział, że jego nazwisko jest John Richardson. On przybył do Polski z USA jeden tydzień temu. Miał szczęście, że dotarły do miejsca przeznaczenia. Jednak racists zaatakowali go. Oni ukradł wszystko. Był bardzo podekscytowany (?). John powiedział, że Paul's kuzyn. W tej chwili chłopca rodzice wrócili. Widzieli jak John i dostał się do niego. Oni go zaciśnięty . Paweł był pomylony. Później kuzyn powiedział jego historię. Jana Pawła została w domu na 5 dni. Po wszystkim wrócił do USA. wszystko przetłumaczyłem hahaha