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Lotniczy Humor :)

06.04.2007
20:47
smile
[1]

foxx [ lisek ]

Lotniczy Humor :)

Lotniczy humor, znajomosc angielskiego wymagana.


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A student pilot is returning from his first night solo. He had aced the test and only had to land to pass. He felt high of himself and switched off his landing lights on approach and said on the radio, "Guess Who." The person in the tower then switched off the runway lights and said, "Guess Where!"

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This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has... oh, disregard...
I see you've already ejected."

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you
twin Cessna."

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GA traffic: "Center, Piper XXX with you at 10,000. Request radar vector and ground speed check....."
Center "Piper XXX, turn left, heading 303, your ground speed reads 150 kts."
Piper XXX: "Turn left to 303, GS 150 kts."
Citation xxx: "Center, GS check please....."
Center: "Citation XXX, GS reads 360 kts"
SR-71: "Ah Center, Air Force XXX with you, request GS and altitude check...."
Center: "Air Force XXX, we show you doing 1540 kts at FL700"
several seconds of silence
Piper XXX: "damn, You win, Air Force"

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Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

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A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

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Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

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Tower: "Continental 65, cleared to line up and wait runway 03"
CO 65: "Roger, clerared to line up and wait... be advised, there is a dog in front of us heading to the runway"
Tower: "Roger sir. I'll notify the follow me"

The CO then holds for about a minute, lined up, while the dog starts crossing the runway, still in front of him.

CO 65: "ready at runway 03, be advised dog is still crossing the runway"
Tower: "roger, Continental 65, report clear of the dog. Wind is XX at XX, cleared for takeoff runway 03"
CO 65: "CO65 is cleared of the dog, cleared for take off runway 03"

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Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."

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Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR

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Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh oh! You have traffic!

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Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

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ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ (Pause) "..........Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

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Unknown Helicopter: "Plymouth Radar (No radar at Plymouth), request radar vectors to St Mellion (a local golf course)."
Plymouth Tower: "Head towards Callington, its round there somewhere."

10 minutes later...

Heli: "Plymouth, I've found St Mellion, but can't find the Heli Pad."
Plymouth: "There's 18 of them, they've all got little flags in the middle!"

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Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

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Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

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A student ATCer was confused about what to do regarding 2 aircraft that were vectored on parallel (in normal english that means they are flying at the same flight level both on the same headings with a bunch of nautical miles between them). The aircraft were on the wrong side (i.e the one on the left had to go right and the one on the right had to go to the left and were not supposed to climb or descend).

Coach: So, how will you solve this situation?
Student: *raises finger* I'll show you how, gimme a moment
Coach: OK
Student: Speedbird456, traffic 3 o'clock, 6 miles, type A332, FL340
Speedbird456: Maastricht Radar, traffic in sight
Student: Lufthansa332, traffic 9 o'clock, 6 miles, type B777, FL340
Lufthansa: Maastricht Radar, have the traffic in sight
Student: Allright... SWITCH!!!
Coach: *Starts strangling student*

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LAX tower to a BA747 after a perfect landing:
Tower: Speedbird123 you landed a bit to the left of the centerline.
BA123: Roger sir, and my copilot landed a bit to the right

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Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

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ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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US-Airforce C-130: TWR tell 747 in front of us to call us on 123.45
TWR: XX777 would you mind calling C-130 on 123.45?
xx777: Sorry TWR, we do not talk on 123.45, we are professional pilots
US-Airforce C-130: OK, TWR tell those professional pilots they still have the gear pins in!

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Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of active."
Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

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Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San,Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

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A/C: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"
RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"

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A/C: "LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxy."
GND: "Speedbird 123, hold position, you'll be following a Virgin with a tight slot."

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Foreign carrier: "xxx is unfamiliar with the airport..."
Ground: "Follow the yellow tailed fokker on Echo."
Unknown: (Laughter)
Ground: "Yeah. I've always wanted to say that."

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American 123 - Uh tower, what's the wind?
JFK Tower - A parcel of air moving across the surface of the earth, but that's not important right now, wind is 270 at 10.

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NWA - "Uh tower we'll need 6L for departure."
TWR - "Ok - so you want the 9,000 foot runway instead of the 8,999 foot runway...?"

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JFK Tower: Korean XXXX, say airspeed
Korean XXXX: Airspeed . . .
Silence . . . . . .

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British tower: USAF123 QNH 1011
USAF123: Tower we are the United States Air Force, We use inches.
British Tower:Sir this is a British airport. we use QNH, I repeat QNH1011

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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Control tower to a UA 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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Tower: Mexicana 809, can you take 27L instead of 22L.
Mexicana 809: Yes we can.
Tower: Great. Mexicana 809. Taxi D3, M, M6 in front of American 757.
Mexicana 809: Roger, D3, M, M6 in front of American 757.

after 30 seconds....
Tower: (shouting) Mexicana 809, STOP. D3, M, M6.
Mexicana 809: Roger, D3, M, M6. Mexicana 809.

after 20 seconds....
Tower: (really shouting) Everyone for 22L, 27L, STOP WHERE YOU ARE.
Mexicana 809, can you taxi to the end of the runway without hitting
anyone?
Mexicana 809: Roger, we will try.

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OSL ATC: "Russia 9001 you are cleared the approach to runway 01L, this will save you some taxitime"
RUS9001: "Okay, cleared ILS for 01L, Russia 9001" (Typical Russian accent)
DLH3130: "Approach, whats the reason for this.. thing.. with the plane getting 01L..for shorter taxi..?"
OSL ATC: "Eerrhm, do you.. have.. the.. President.. of the Russian Federation onboard?"
DLH3130: "...no?.."
OSL ATC: "THAT's the reason!"

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Us:"Albuquerque Tower, Skyhawk 62507 is with you for 17."
ATC: "Skyhawk 507, runway 17 cleared to land, wind 150 at 4."
Us: "Cleared to land 17, Skyhawk 507."
WN: "Albuquerque Tower, Southwest XXX holding short at 8 for IFR to Dallas."
ATC: "Southwest XXX, position and hold runway 8, traffic is a Cessna 172 landing runway 17 on a ten-mile final."
WN: "Position and hold, runway 8... did you say a ten-mile final for the Cessna?"
ATC: "Affirmative."
WN: "Southwest XXX, in position on 8, will wait for the Cessna."
ATC: "That's mighty kind of you, Southwest XXX."
WN: "Anyone got a deck of cards?"
My instructor: "Skyhawk 507, we're pedaling as fast as we can."
ATC (exasperated): "Take your time, Skyhawk 507."

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Coming into Pearson on a very bad weather day:
YYZ Approach: All aircraft inbound to Pearson expect arrival delays due to weather.
Random a/c: Aww, this is bull****
YYZ Approach: Alright, who was that last call?
Other a/c: Approach, negative on the bull****.
Another: Roger, negative on the bull****.
YYZ Approach: Knock it off, guys.

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Jethro has a good list of engineer's responses to reports of technical problems.

Report: Autoland a bit hard.
Engineer: Aircraft not fitted with autoland.

Report: Engine #2 seeping prop fluid.
Engineer: Engine #2 seepage normal. Other three engines lack normal seepage.

Report: Engine #3 missing.
Engineer: Engine found under right wing after a short search.

Report: Left outboard tyre almost flat.
Engineer: Almost replaced left outboard tyre.

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unknown a/c, most likely an Airbus: "Retard, Retard, Retard"
pilot of unknown a/c, most likely an Airbus: "Ohhhh, maaaaaaan!"
silence.

06.04.2007
20:52
smile
[2]

eLJot [ a.k.a. księgowa ]

znajomosc angielskiego wymagana - niekoniecznie ;P

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